Fudge You
by lilaclily00
Summary: Al is on a mission to get his brother to tone it down a notch with his swearing. (Does not contain actual curse words!) One-shot requested by TransformingTurtle! :3
**So, due to a conversation initiated by me reviewing to TransformingTurtle's story, this has been born. TransformingTurtle is ingenius, by the way (and helped me fix up a bit the first part, which was greatly appreciated).**

 **This is my second one-shot about Ed swearing ever... which is probably one or two more than people usually make. XD The take on it is different this time, though. Since I am particularly uncomfortable actually swearing, I did my best to make this fit within my comfort zone and still be hilarious, and I think I succeeded. Hope you enjoy! :3 ;3**

 **On with the story!**

* * *

Soon after Ed received his State Alchemist watch, Alphonse learned something rather unsurprising about his big brother.

Ed was always known to be a bit foul-mouthed, which only worsened upon joining the military. However, he did not particularly _care,_ and never made an effort to tone down the colorful language- even when in the presence of some rather high-ranked officers.

Even the _Fuhrer_ once heard him go off on Mustang on a rant about him being old and useless, a few unsavory adjectives and nouns sprinkled throughout.

Yes, it was safe to say his brother had... a _problem_ with his _tongue_.

So, Alphonse took it upon himself to save the Elric brothers' reputation as well as he could in this regard, and decided to do so with a plan of his own design, strange as the solution ended up being.

He told Edward what he intended to do, and the blond had seemed unsure whether to laugh or raise an eyebrow. "I don't need to be _censored_ , Al."

Al had tilted his helmet just enough for his invisible face expression to shine through. "Um, Brother? Yes, you do. At this rate, you're going to lose your job."

Ed scoffed, but didn't bother arguing further with his brother. " _Fine_ , then, try it! Just don't expect me to change the way I talk because of your stupid plan."

Really, Alphonse expected that answer from his stubborn older brother. But, hopefully, with enough persistence on Al's end, Ed would soon get sick enough of his sibling's efforts and start choosing his words more wisely.

* * *

Step One: Come up with alternatives for expletives beforehand. Start with the standard ones, but eventually reach for the unconventional, perhaps ridiculous words.

Step Two: Rehearse until the act is instinct. Do so mentally without Edward's knowledge until the time comes to use the words aloud.

Step Three: Put it into practice.

* * *

As per the usual routine, Ed kicked in the office door, just a few minutes late for reporting in to his CO, Colonel Mustang. None of the people in his team stirred at the loud noise beyond glancing up amusedly. They liked when the Elric Brothers came in, for they were usually fantastic entertainment, but they were unaware this visit would have a different twist to the conversation going on.

Ed strutted off toward the inner office, his brother trailing behind so he'd have the chance to close the door behind them. Though, with their luck, everyone nearby would hear everything anyway.

"As always, I appreciate you destroying my door, Fullmetal. I always have the nicest door in the building since it needs to constantly be replaced."

"Yeah, yeah, whatever." Ed huffed, and Al knew it was time to begin. "So," the blond continued in an annoyed manner, "what the he-"

"Heck!" Al overlapped quickly, drowning out the original word.

"- did you want from us this time?" Ed finished, not even reacting to being interrupted.

Mustang glanced between the two for a moment, wondering if what he just witnessed actually happened. The corner of his mouth quirked up, but he went on to say what he had originally intended to say. "If you had read the report for once, you would know that."

"I _did_ read it, actually, but your handwriting is sh-"

"Poo!" Al added again.

"-y, as usual, and it was hopeless to understand any of it." Ed crossed his arms, acting like everything was normal.

Mustang's smirk grew a bit, seeing that the brothers were indeed up to their odd antics once again. "Then let me repeat aloud, since your brain is apparently too small to comprehend written word."

"WHO ARE YOU CALLING TOO SMALL TO HAVE ROOM FOR A PROPER BRAIN?!"

"Is it not obvious?"

Ed seethed, squeezing his hands into fists. "I'll show you, you old-"

"Fart!" Al blurted hurriedly.

"-ing bas-"

"Salt!" Unfortunately, the most normal-sounding alternative for this word he could come up with was "basalt".

Somehow, Ed was still ignoring his brother; he must have been too focused on burning a hole into the Colonel's head with his glare.

"May I continue with what I was saying, Fullmetal?" Mustang questioned, still amused yet also a bit irritated now.

"As long as you aren't planning on _insulting_ me again," Ed seethed. "Otherwise, I'd feel _real_ inclined to throw you into a pile of s-"

"Stuff!" This was more nerve-wracking than Al expected; his brother was really spitting out a lot of curse words today.

"-, you got that?"

Mustang waved his hand placatingly, trying to not laugh outright. "Calm down, just let me talk already." Contrary to his statement, he calmly began to shuffle the papers on his desk so they were neater while Ed increasingly grew impatient.

Alphonse knew the Colonel was doing this just to cause his brother to get mad again and thus cause more swearing, but he couldn't stop the plan now. He needed to wear his brother down, and so he stayed quiet and played along with Mustang.

"Can you just give me the da-"

"Dad!"

"- information?!" Ed's eyes suddenly widened and he turned sharply to Al, finally acknowledging him. He seemed about to berate his brother on the use of the forbidden word when Mustang piped back up.

"Sure, when you learn how to control your tongue," the black-haired man replied smoothly.

The elder Elric scoffed, wrinkling his nose. "Oh, why do _you_ -"

"Freak!"

"-ing care?"

"You are my subordinate, and so such a foul mouth reflects bad on me. Therefore, no one on my team is allowed to use such words."

"Bull! I've heard you guys swear all the time!" Ed argued, apparently not realizing Mustang was lying in his second sentence just to get a reaction. "Including _you!_ "

"Nope, not a peep from me."

"I've heard more than just a _peep_ out of _your_ mouth, Colonel Ba-"

"Bass fish!"

Ed was having a harder time ignoring the alternative swears, but he forged on. "So don't act all high and mighty!"

"You must have heard me incorrectly!" Mustang said, talking a little louder now.

 _"I hope both of you are talking about_ work _, sir,"_ Hawkeye threatened passive-aggressively through the closed door, startling the three, particularly the colonel.

Said colonel cursed under his breath, just loud enough for Al to say "Shiznit!" to cover it up. Ed snorted in an effort to not laugh, while Mustang looked very unamused.

The blond looked very smug. "Point made, Colonel."

"It was just one slip up," he growled.

* * *

"Can you guys tell what they're talking about in there?" Fuery asked his teammates, always concerned about what occurs in that room once the Elrics enter.

"It must be intense if even _Alphonse_ is getting loud," Breda remarked. He could not make out any words, but he could recognize the boy's voice reaching higher volumes than normal for some reason.

Havoc played with an unlit cigarette with his fingers. "Huh, you're right." Rather than respecting the privacy of the meeting, he snuck away from his desk and placed an ear on the inner office's door, hoping to understand what was being said. For a few seconds, he could only hear Ed ranting off about something random as usual, but then he was suddenly interrupted by his brother's cry of _"FLIP-FLOP!"_ He blinked, wondering if he heard that right, but snickered anyway.

"I don't know what's going on, but it's definitely good," he decided out loud. He stood straight and very carefully and methodically turned the door knob so the occupants would not hear it being opened. He succeeded in opening the door just a crack in order for all to hear the rest of the conversation.

 _"HAN SOLO!"_

 _"Who the h-"_

 _"Howard!"_

 _"- is Han Solo?!"_

 _"Probably someone taller than you,"_ Mustang supplemented.

 _"You don't even know either, bas-"_

 _"Guitar!"_

Mustang's team looked to each other with confused expressions, but it did not take long for them to burst out laughing.

 _"S-"_

 _"Swear word!"_

 _"-! Who opened the door?!"_ Ed raged, audibly stomping to the door and violently throwing it open to hit the wall beside it. He narrowed his eyes at all the occupants, only causing them to guffaw even louder.

He glanced back to his armored brother with a very ticked-off expression. "First of all, _'swear word'_? _Really?_ "

"I'm running out, Brother!" Alphonse quickly defended, trying to drudge up more ideas from his memorized list.

" _Second_ of all," he returned his attention to the officers, "whoever decided to eavesdrop on our very _intellectual conversation_ is a piece of s-"

"Shorty!" Al gasped and clasped his hands over where his mouth would be, but it was too late. It wasn't his fault he heard that word a lot!

Ed slowly craned around to look his brother right in the eye, intense anger and a sense of betrayal radiating out of him.

Ultimately, he said, "Al, you're a real-"

"Butthole." Okay, he knew he was just making it worse, but he sort of didn't want to stop, despite his brother's murderous expression.

"F-"

"Fudge."

"- you."

Havoc could no longer hold it in. "I've never loved that kid so much until now," he let out in the middle of his cackling, referring to the under-appreciated younger Elric.

* * *

Edward started to try to bite his tongue more often just so Al would stop using the stupid almost-swears. He did not like caving in to Alphonse, but he would be driven mad otherwise.

Alphonse was quite smug about his plan succeeding, and did not let his brother forget it.

* * *

 **I keep remembering that one part in "Al the Cat", I believe, where Mustang called Ed a fish. That's why I was particularly happy with using "bass fish". XD Also, _Star Wars_ reference because it fit too well to be passed up!**

 **Even though I wanna try to focus on my chapter stories, that's _boring_ sometimes and so I'd be totes cool with receiving a prompt~ *wink wink***

 **Have an awesome day and week and month and year and decade and century and life! :3 K bai!**


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